Rah

Well, it is past midnight, and that makes it my birthday...truthfully, it feels like just another day.  I think I finally figured out the number issue at work.  Rah.  I decided (and I think foolishly) to try and remove the blood blister that formed on my thumb; it sort of worked, but it is still sore and swollen, and I think the lost 9 pints of bloody pus while trying to get it out.  I need to buy a weed whacker tomorrow...happy bday.  And, there are other bills...

Of course, Mom has been on me every day this week to figure out what I want to do for my bday, and of course I haven't told her anything, because I don't care and I really don't want to do anything special, and of course she thinks that is horrible, so we are at loggerheads.

Honestly, I've never really liked them; I mean, when I was a kid, we'd have a party, so I'd work like a slave and clean my room and get the yard ready to work like a slave and have people come over for food and cake and presents; it was nice, but I think I figured out early on that it was really wasn't worth it, and of course, I'd rather not slave away for three days (clean up!) for the thing, and everyone thought I was the selfish asshole.  Thus, when I turned 18, it was the last party, and I have never heard the end of it.  Yes, doing what I want on my special day...well, you can see how things came to be.

There is something else though; I mean, my life isn't that wonderful or exciting; I am not married, no kids, and that's not changing soon; work is ok.  The things in which I am involved I need to be uninvolved with, which is not exactly a raging declaration of success.  One gets older, which is also nothing to celebrate (certainly NOT at 36)....but thost aren't it, either.

I was washing out a plastic honey jar for the recycle bin -- one of those shaped like a bear -- and I said to myself "how cute,"something the kids would like (that I am not having) and then it hit me...there I was; I could see the beauty in something like that, but not for all of the things people were trying do for me (like my family and friends) and worse, I was kicking it away.  I've always been this way, of course...but after a while, you get to a point, and it's not going to change, and it didn't have to be this way...but there it is.  All that is past is wasted, and what is left to come is about the same.  And it is the saddest of things.