A Lifetime of Regret in Twenty Minutes

 So...my Mom was re-admitted to the hospital this morning when her oxygen level was dropping; at noon the hospital called us and told us that there wasn't much they could do...and that they recommended hospice care. She had been diagnosed with COVID (a mild case), got remdesivir, never required a ventilator, and was doing well -- released back to the home to continue rehab.  But, it affecter her heart, and there was nothing they could do...

I went to the hospital to be there; Favorite Niece made the three hour trek from Michigan, and we went in together; a couple of residents and the hospice nurse came to see me in the interim (my plan to watch the Big Ten Championship sadly scorched) to answer some questions and see if we had plans (we did not; but Mom wanted very little -- no wake -- and now, of course, no one is having them anyway).... Favorite Niece arrived, and we went in to see her -- masks, gown, goggles, semi-scrubs -- for twenty minutes.  

The death scene of John the Savage's mother in Brave New World came to mind; the one where John and his dying mother are there... just because you couldn't get close and say goodbye, just in your mind...there we were, just watching her machine-breathe, hoping that somehow, somewhere, Mom knew we loved her, we were sorry for all the pains and sorrows we had caused along the way, and relived some of the best joys and highlights as best as we could...  Mom had been through a lot the past few months, medically, and I knew she was tired of it, and maybe this was for the best, but also, selfishly, I didn't want it to be now...  and then there was a knock on the window, and we removed our scrubs, left the room, removed the other gear, and let hospice take over.

Funny; I had just wrapped Xmas presents this morning -- which I hate more than soccer and Democrats put together, including the ones Mom wanted me to buy for everyone else.  The call from the hospital came just as I had finished -- all but one --and I decided the hell with it and just taped up the box.  I am a it down now...all of my friends have been group-texting me and such, but now, of course, I don;t want that... I do tend to cocoon when down, and this is no different...